In the crowd || Story

I look around. 

They are all laughing and talking and drinking and having a good time. Nobody sees me sitting here next to them. Nobody notices me feeling like I don’t belong here. Well, I guess I will never belong anywhere.  I am slowly sipping my beer and thinking of what to do to finally appear. 

I try to speak one more time this night but no words is slipping through my mouth. Silence is all I can utter. I feel invisible. They don’t care. I could easily walk out and nobody would notice I am not here anymore.

They think the worst of me now. They think I am worthless and stupid and boring and ugly. I am sure of that. But I guess any other time I am never on their minds. I am not surprised. I am invisible. I am no one. I do not exist in their world. If they could they would never invite me to anything. Unfortunately, we’re studying at the same university, having the same lectures and being added to the same facebook group. 

I always think I can try to be more social. I attend the same events and hardly ever really participate. I don’t know how. How to be more confident, more witty when I have nothing to offer?  

The more I try to be like everyone else here, the further I get from them. I want to cry. I want to run away. I want to be seen. I want do not to feel what I feel. I want to be normal. I want someone to help me.

But they don’t know what is going on inside my head. 

I look around. No one sees me sitting here and wanting to die.