I see some light in front of me. I am running but I cannot move. I
try to run faster. I move my legs faster but I am still in the same place.
Someone or something is haunting for me. I can feel its eyes on me. I look
around yet I see no one. Everywhere darkness. I am petrified. I feel cold. It
is behind me. I want to run away but I cannot move. I scream while it grabs my
hand and pulls me away from the light I see in front of me.
I wake up for the
third time this night.
It was only just a
dream. Rather a nightmare than a dream. I get up from the bed and open a
window. I want to breathe some fresh air. It is almost 3am and this night is
one of the worst so far. I cannot sleep and if I do I dream nightmares.
It was never like
that. I had nightmares before, but always only one at the time. Then I was falling
asleep and dreaming of nothing. Lately those nightmares are happening more
often. I do not know what is going on with me. Maybe I know but I am too scared
to admit it.
The darkness in
this room makes me think some terrible things I'd rather not to think about.
Especially at this time and after those nightmares. Even the moon is hiding
tonight. I light up a candle. It is a bit old-fashioned but I like it that way.
I do not need a room full of light, just a little flame to brighten my world.
It is all I am always asking for. I take this candle with me and sit in front
of the mirror. I guess this is the time to have a serious conversation with
myself.
I am watching the
dance of light and shadow on my skin. The shadow is always trying to catch the
light while the light is always escaping and making its own way to shine. They
make it so beautifully and gracefully. However one would never exist without
the other.
I look into my
eyes. For a moment I saw the old me. The happy one. The young one. The hopeful
one. Those days of me are far, far behind, yet I am still here. I tried many times
to find out why but I never knew why. I couldn't make any reason I would
believe.
Suddenly the wind
from the outside blows the candle. I am sitting in the darkness again and I
know what is coming next. Even though I cannot see myself in the mirror I know
the other one is over there watching me.
"You
won" I whisper.
Silence.
I should have
killed you but I let you live. That was my biggest mistake. And now you leave
me no choice. I am sorry but if I want to live I have to die first. It will be
a huge sacrifice and the world I know will disappear. I will be free after that
and you will no longer have any power on me.
I am strong enough
to die...
The whole new
world awaits. I have to reach for it.
Goodbye.
...
The truth is you
cannot kill yourself. You will never destroy you so you can keep on living. The
past will always haunt you. You cannot run away from what is inside you.
I have to keep on
living and maybe one day I will learn how to live with myself again.
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